Everyone who knows me, knows how much I advocate for self care, rest and rejuvenation. And many people who know me, know that I wake up at 5am to achieve this, because this is the only chance I get to write, journal, plan, and drink coffee without being asked about bees, wasps, dangerous insects, dangerous animals, phantoms, micro transactions and whatever else Jack wants to interview me with today.
To say it’s an interview is a lie, it’s an INTERROGATION. If I don’t answer, don’t know the correct answer, or generally ask him to repeat the question so I can stealthily google, I get a choice of being shouted at (which I don’t tolerate), a meltdown in the worst cases, or a 15 minute lesson in the correct answer, with regular questions to ensure I didn’t accidentally tune out.
And so, 5am, I get up, make coffee, write in my journal, plan my day, do a little cleaning, get a shower and make myself look less dead… but that first coffee of the day, by the fire, with my blanket, is the salve I rely on to help me get through the day.
Getting up at 5am requires incredible stealth. I wake, and for the first five minutes I just listen. Did Bryan or Jack hear my alarm? Did they settle back to sleep? Do I need to give Jack his iPad and let him play while I sneak for my sanctuary of the living room? I should have know by the silence that something was brewing.
As I write this, at 5.32am, I sit in front of the fire, listening to an audiobook…..while my child sits opposite me playing Animal Jam because “I really want to be with you Mam!”. Even though I have assured him it isn’t morning. Even though I said I was going back to bed (a lie). Nope. We are both up now.
So far he is quiet but I was really looking forward to my time this morning. I’ve struggled this week and so me being awake and raring to go at 5am was a sign of YESSSS. BUT NO.
This is my time. MY self care time. The two hours a day for me which I go to extreme lengths to protect. Except they aren’t mine anymore. Because if Jack’s body clock now knows I wake at 5am, his will sync. One of the many things I have learned about being alone with your child constantly is that you become symbiotic. We are one and the same. He needs a nap, I need a nap. I need the toilet, he needs the toilet. I wake at 5am, he is THERE within half an hour.
I love him, but I cannot wait for him to go back to school so I get my 5am starts back to myself.
Fuck, now my coffee is cold. I won’t let it ruin my day, but holy hell man, WHYYYYY?!?!