When we are children and something goes wrong, we look to the adults for guidance. But then one day, we become the adults. The ones in charge. For me, the penny didn’t drop that I was the adult until I became a single mother. Ho-lee-crap.
There was me, 23, living alone with a baby. I had lived alone from age 18, and I didn’t live with my husband until 2 weeks before we married (when Jack was about 6 weeks old). But all of a sudden, it dawned on me that I was responsible for, not just myself, but a baby, bills, car payments, rent – and there was nobody there to wake in the night if something went wrong.
And so time goes by. I had my ex-boyfriend stay a fair bit until we broke up 15 months ago (we were together Oct 2016-Jan 2018) but he was a total chocolate fireguard. I couldn’t count on him in an emergency. Like that one time, Mam got rushed to hospital at 2am, and I was woken by the paramedics calling to say she was being taken in an ambulance. I woke my ex to tell him I needed to go to my mum and wouldn’t be waking my son. His response? “Well you better be back by half 5 because if you aren’t, I’ll be leaving him in the house alone. I’m not being late for work.” Nice lad.
Fast forward a few years, and I’m 28. Bryan moved in last August, although due to my health and my surgery, he stayed here a lot beforehand. And it has been wonderful. He has had a holiday abroad with his cycling friends, and 3 weekends away with his cycling friends since we have been together. The holiday abroad and one of the cycling trips was before my surgery, and one of the cycling trips was in September, but that was fine – Mam was still coming and helping me out every morning so I was never totally alone. It wasn’t too bad really.
Here I am tonight though. Jack has been asleep for an hour or two. Nothing is different, and yet everything is different. Its 22:11, and I’m awake, a rarity in itself. I’m sitting playing on my laptop as normal, but I’m not wearing my headphones to listen to YouTube as I fall asleep, because I’m scared I won’t hear Jack wake, or a burglar steal all my shit, or…..just something. I am the adult. I am in charge. Whose idea was that?
I’ve lived away from my parents for a decade in July. Why am I not better at the alone thing? I’ve spent 8 years of the last 10 sleeping in my own home. I should be able to get through two nights?
I am the adult and I am confused with myself when I say, I’ve become reliant on a man. OK, so he’s absolutely the best man ever. He is the Holy Grail of boyfriends. Has your boyfriend held a sick bowl in your lap while you cried in pain, peed and almost passed out? Mine has. And he still thinks I’m hot.
But I am alone, and it’s dark, and the bed feels empty. I can’t wait for the next 48 hours to pass so he will be home with me.
We love you Bryan. Hurry back though, aye?